…I feel like I am about to vomit.
I open my eyes and I’m staring straight up, head thrown back, face to the stars, the dark sky looks close to my face, and I feel faint, feel like my body is getting smaller, like I am leaving myself and spiraling down…
Confest has its own plane of existence. It is a place where time passes more slowly and the horizon is further away.
I’m sitting beside the camp fire with Rebecca and Michael. Rebecca is a British backpacker, with an upbeat, bright personality. Michael is a softly spoken German who has been so stoned for the last three days that his eyes look like forest fruits ice cream.
Michael offers me his joint, but I decline.
You don’t smoke? he asks me, sympathetically, as if I told him I have a handicap.
I’ve been going through some emotional issues lately, I explain lamely.
I feel stupid.
Rebecca takes the joint from Michael and inhales deeply.
He should talk to Sebastian, Michael says.
Yes, declares Rebecca, eyes widening. Sebastian’s amazing, she tells me, gripping my arm for emphasis. If you have issues to deal with, he can really help.
What do you mean? I ask. Is he a psychologist.
She looks at me blankly.
He’s a shaman, she says seriously.
A shaman? You mean like a… witch doctor?
Rebecca laughs, and gives me a shove.
No, he’s for real. He does exorcisms. Gets bad stuff out of people. He did a session with me and It was really positive. I got rid of a lot of dark stuff. He’s over at the kitchen I think. Come on, I’ll introduce you.
We walk across the camp site to another fire circle. There are rugs and cushions scattered around, people playing music and cooking at the fire.
Rebecca and I join a group of half a dozen people, sitting cross legged on a rug.
A kid with freckles and a mop of ginger hair is playing guitar. He finishes the song, and Rebecca greets him. They embrace.
How are you feeling? He asks her.
I feel fantastic, she says. My energy is just exploding. Sebastian, I want you to meet Emmanuel. We were talking before about how he is going through some stuff, and I thought maybe you could help him.
Sebastian turns to me and smiles.
Hey, man, he says.
We smile at each other. He’s a friendly looking guy, but I am having a hard time seeing him as a shaman. He looks about 25 years old, and the freckles don’t exactly lend him a mystical air.
So what’s going on, man? he asks me, matter-of-factly.
Well, I stammer – feeling a bit silly – I had a rough time last year. Stuff with relationships and work. I’ve been a bit down I guess.
Sebastian listens to me seriously, nodding.
I’m not really depressed, just kind of… I struggle to find a word to fit how I feel.
Sebastian reaches over and picks up my hand. I flinch involuntarily. He holds my hand and looks into my eyes.
Do you want me to scan you? he asks.
Er… OK. I mumble.
I feel weird. But there is something compelling about this guy’s demeanor. He is so confident and intelligent looking.
OK, he says, putting my hand down, I’m just going to check my lentil soup, and I’ll be right back.
He gets up and walks over to the fire.
Rebecca grins at me.
I don’t think this is such a great idea, I say. I don’t really believe in this sort of stuff. I mean, what is he going to do?
Relax, she says, patting my leg. You need this. Ever since I met you you’ve been talking about how unhappy you are. There’s stuff in you, you don’t need. Just let it out.
Sebastian returns and sits. He shuffles across the rug, and sits on his heels, facing me.
Close your eyes, he tells me.
I close them. I feel him pick up my hands. He holds my hands firmly in his, and I feel his breath on my face, as he leans close to me. He is breathing deeply, intently, as if he is thinking hard. His grip tightens a bit on my hands.
I become aware of a strange sensation. I feel as if I can see Sebastian sitting opposite me, but my eyes are still closed.
In my mind’s eye, he is staring at me, eyes squinted, as though he is trying to see through me, a long way into the distance. I feel cold. It becomes an effort to breath.
OK, Sebastian says quietly, there are some dark areas in you I can see. Would you like me to get rid of those for you? he asks me calmly.
I nod slightly.
Yes, I mumble.
He releases my hands. I hear him breathe deeply and slowly. He takes hold of my shoulder and presses his other hand into my stomach. His breathing starts to sound laboured, as if he is struggling to lift a heavy weight.
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I feel a hot, cramping sensation in my stomach and it intensifies as Sebastian’s breathing gets louder, hissing through his teeth. I feel heat and cold wash over my torso. I feel like I am about to vomit.
I open my eyes and I’m staring straight up, head thrown back, face to the stars, the dark sky looks close to my face, and I feel faint, feel like my body is getting smaller, like I am leaving myself and spiraling down.
Something in my gut surges up. My mouth falls open in a silent shout and I feel something big lunge up through my throat and burst into the night sky.
Sensation comes back into my body. My head rocks forward. I open my eyes and take a deep, shaky breath.
Sebastian sits back, eyes closed, and folds his hands in his lap in front of him.
I feel so calm, so utterly peaceful. Warmth is flooding my skin. I feel more relaxed and content than I have in months.
Rebecca is watching me, eyes wide.
Wow, I say.
Sebastian opens his eyes and smiles.
Better? he asks me.
I nod slowly.
Yeah. Better, I say. What was that? I ask him.
I don’t know, he says.
Man. I feel like you forced something out of me.
You forced it out, he says, I just showed you where it was. Do you like lentils? he asks me.
I hate lentils.
Yes! I love lentils, I say, feeling warm and sleepy.
Great, he says. They should be ready now. I’ll get you some.
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