What Am I So Scared Of?

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…The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…  
– F.D. Roosevelt.

 

Life is an adventure. You can do anything you want.
Anything.
Maybe you want to see the world?
Climb Everest?
Swim with sharks?
Cross deserts?
You can.
So what’s stopping you?

For most of us, the obstacle standing between ourselves, and the things we want to do, is our own fear.
Fear of hardship.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of failure.
Fear of being hurt.

We all get scared. All of us.
Every day we encounter situations that make us anxious, nervous, threatened or insecure.
You are always going to experience fear.
I know. Sucks, right? But that’s the way it is.

So how is it that certain people seem to be able to succeed at things that scare the rest of us to death? Are they born braver than everyone else? Have they found a way to turn off their fear? Or are they just crazy?
No.
They are just as scared as the rest of us.

 

Why Are We Afraid?

Every biologically normal human experiences fear. It is an essential part of who we are.
Evolutionary psychology is teaching us a lot about the way our ancestors minds were shaped.
Our distant forebears, living in a world of constant danger, only lived long enough to reproduce if they were anxious, paranoid, nervous wrecks. If you were the kind of cave-person who strolled around, relaxed and carefree, chances were you would end up being dinner for a sabre-tooth tiger.
That’s all well and good, if your only mission in life is to live long enough to reproduce and pass on your DNA, but what if you want more?
What if you yearn for excitement?
What if you want to live it up a little?

 

(Below: Jo and Marie, living it up at Confest.)

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Hooked.

I’m a bit of an adventure junky.
I hitchhike all over the world. I sleep in vacant lots, and abandoned buildings, and on the side of the road. I travel in countries and cultures where I can’t speak the language, where health services are dubious at best, and violence is a constant background noise.
Sometimes things do go wrong. I’ve been robbed, threatened and attacked. I’ve been broke, lost, lied to and injured.
Am I scared sometimes?
Yes.
Do I lie awake at night, worrying about the scary, challenging things that will happen tomorrow?
No.
The only thing I worry about is being bored – that nothing crazy will happen tomorrow!

 

(Below: for me, a great life is more about excitement than comfort, although it is nice to stay dry at least. This is my cosy beach house in Tasmania.)

 
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Love Your Fear.

For me, dancing is scary. I’m tall, and lanky, and a bit clumsy. Ever since I was a teenager, shaking my body in public freaked me out – made me feel self conscious. I imagined that people were staring at me, and laughing, and because I’m so tall, you really can’t miss me on a dance floor.
The thing is, I love to dance – it feels good! So what am I so scared of?
At some point I decided I would just have to get over it, and face the music.
I still get nervous when I dance, even now, but every time it gets a bit less scary, and every time I enjoy it more. When I’m on my feet, and sweating it out, I’m so glad I pushed against that fear. I’m still not a good dancer, but I am enthusiastic. I get into the music, and I realise: there really was nothing to be afraid of. It’s all in my head.

I don’t do scary things because I like being scared. I do scary things because I want to have an exciting life. I have learned to embrace my fear, because I associate it with all the things I most love to do. I know now, that when I’m scared, that means something awesome is about to happen.

 

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”   – John Wayne.

Fear is always going to be there. I mean, think about it. Even if you get over the things you are scared of today, some challenge is going to come along tomorrow, that you haven’t faced before, and make you scared all over again.

One thing I do all the time, that most people think is really scary, is hitchhiking.
People often look at me like I’m mad, when I tell them I hitch. Even people who pick me up from the side of the road, shake their heads, and ask me:
“Don’t you think hitchhiking is dangerous?”
Let’s look closely at that question for a second.
Objectively, I have to admit, hitchhiking is a hazardous thing to do. First of all, being in a motor vehicle, as we all know, is a dangerous business. So many people die and are injured in car accidents every year, it’s staggering. People die on motorbikes, and pushbikes and walking down the street as well, but what is the alternative? Sitting at home on the couch? Never leaving the house?
Moving around is risky. I see hitchhiking as an extreme sport, like snowboarding, or diving.
Adventure is not 100% safe. Fact of life. But going places and doing stuff is exciting. I embrace fear, because for me personally, I would rather be excited than safe.

 

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(Above: in 2013 I hitchhiked across Morocco to the Sahara Desert. There were plenty of anxious moments along the way, but it was so worth it!)

 

There’s a simple truth most of us know, but never really think about:
when we do things we are afraid of, our fear becomes smaller.
Example: when you learned to drive a car, you were really anxious, but in time, you mastered your anxiety and became a confident driver. Driving a car is still a risky business, but you do it calmly, because you have plenty of experience.
The first time you approached someone you were attracted to, just talking to them probably made you break out in a sweat, but exposing yourself to rejection time and time again, you gradually gained confidence in social interactions.

Realising I was never going to remove fear from my life was actually liberating. Once I grasped that simple truth, I stopped avoiding frightening challenges. What’s the point?
If I do it, and overcome it, then I win.
If I fail – if I fall down trying – then I learn important lessons, and I will do better next time: I still win!
Sure, falling down sucks. But you are only defeated when you give up – when you stop trying. While you are trying, there is always a chance for success. If you stop trying – if you let the fear of falling turn you back – your chances of success are zero.
Keep trying – that’s what courage is!
If you feel scared, that means you are winning!

 

One Step At a Time.

The things we imagine are usually much scarier than the reality.
It’s human nature to imagine ‘worse case scenarios’. A healthy instinct for self preservation will lead us to project into the future, and try and predict what could go wrong. That is a useful thing, because it gives us an opportunity to prepare ourselves for what is ahead. The trap we often fall into though, is rather than getting ready to overcome obstacles, we avoid confronting them altogether.

Say, you want to climb a mountain. You can imagine various dangers involved in the mission: becoming lost; running out of food; being injured… At this point you do one of two things:
A. you decide that the mountain presents too many dangers and you abandon the idea
or,
B. you set about preparing for the mission, collecting rations, studying maps, and learning first aid.
Even the best prepared mountaineer still takes a risk, but if they prepare themselves, and take on the challenge, they conquer their fear, and gain experience, and that experience will prepare them for even greater challenges.
You don’t climb a mountain by looking at a map. You stuff the map in your pocket, strap your boots on, and get walking!
And let’s remind ourselves: nobody climbs Everest the first time they strap on hiking boots. We conquer the mountain by identifying our fear, preparing ourselves, and going forward anyway, one small step at a time.

 

(Below: I have hitchhiked, and ridden bikes all over South-East Asia. Not too many near death experiences, but more than enough. This is Angkor Wat, Cambodia.)

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Falling Down Makes You Stronger.

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”
I remind myself of those words, often.
If I do fall down, it won’t be the end of the world. I’ll just say “fuck!” dust myself off, and get right back on the horse.
How can I be so sure?
Because I’ve fallen off that horse about a million times already.
But one thing you notice about horse riding: if you do it for a while, you fall off a lot less often.

 

Fear + Experience = Courage!

The more we climb mountains, the more we dance, the more often we fall down, and get back up – the easier it is for us to manage our fear.
Every time we fail, we pick ourselves up and learn, and every time we succeed, we become stronger, and more powerful. Powerful in the sense of being able to create the things we want. Powerful in the sense of having the resolve to keep trying, even when it gets scary.
That is what courage is.

The turning point in my life was the moment I started to see my failures as lessons, rather than mistakes. Failing is never a mistake. The only mistake is not trying!

 

Samuel Beckett, the playwright, wrote:
“All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Well said, Mr Beckett. Life is not a rehearsal.
Maybe it’s a little crazy sometimes. Maybe things don’t always go the way we planned. Your moves might be a bit wobbly, hell, you might even fall on your arse. But you know what? We all got to get off the stage one day, so I am going to dance like a crazy man, until they turn out the lights!
Who wants to boogey?

 

(I’m not much of a dancer, but I do like dressing up! This is me in Chiang Mai, last year.)

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Hi!
Manny here, the guy who makes this blog.

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