I’m gonna go to India.
First time. I’ve been roaming around for years now and I’ve never been to India.
I’ve got so many friends who love India. They have been urging me for years; ‘go to India. you’ll love India. India is so amazing. India is so beautiful. It’s paradise. Hemp growing wild on the roadside. The streets are paved with delicate exotic partries. There are curry puffs growing on trees…’
(Top photo: D’Jeane, one of the many people I know who love India. This is her making out with a camel in the Thar Desert, Rajasthan. Thanks for the photo D.)
Despite the romantic infatuation travelers seem to have with the sub-continent, everyone admits that India can be hard work, too. The other day when I was talking about it with D’Jeane, she said; ‘India. Yep. It will blow your mind. It’s the Iron Man Triathlon of the travel scene.’
India freaks me out. I am confronted by the cultural gulf. I can’t get my head around the national obsession with gurus and gods. Thinking about the legendary disease situation makes me want to gargle with listerine.
So much of what I think I know about India comes from the mass media, especially sensationalist journalism. The India in my imagination is a hot, dusty place. The streets are not paved with exotic pastry, in fact they aren’t paved at all. The gurus are ruthless con-men, hungry for opportunities to sell high priced spirituality to gullible anglo-saxons. In my moments of paranoid anxiety I picture myself hitchhiking in India, getting picked up by some fast talking zealot, who drugs me, and waking up in the midst of a cannibal cult ceremony straight out of Indiana Jones.
A wise meme once said: ‘all fears are born of ignorance’.
I need information. Straight from the horse’s mouth.
I’m going to ask the questions that pop into my head in the middle of the night, and get some straight answers from the people I know won’t skimp on details or spare my feelings; my friends.
India Wisdom Part 1
Wise Person: D’Jeane
Me: How many times have you been to india?
D’Jeane: Once, for two months. I was obsessed with going there for two years before that.
Me: Why were you obsessed with going to India?
D’Jeane: Because it seemed like the most difficult place I could travel without putting myself directly in harm’s way.
Me: OK… How do you define ‘harm’s way’? Because India actually seems to have a reputation for being risky.
D’Jeane: How do I define ‘harm’s way’? Ah… being taken hostage by ISIS. Ending up in a North Korean prison?
Me: Right. So you have pretty low standards for personal security, then. That’s not really comforting for me.
Me: OK. Tell me one thing I should definitely do when I’m in India.
D’Jeane: Go to Gokarna. Om beach. It’s shaped like the Om symbol. You stay in a shack, eat in restaurants and watch dolphins. It’s not the commercialised party scene of goa, you know? Less crazy. Like Goa, minus the drunk, drugged backpackers. Well… with less drunk, drugged backpackers. Don’t start your journey at Om beach. Go there when you need a time to reflect on everything, because there are no distractions. Except the phosphorescent plankton.
Me: What’s your favourite Indian regional dish, and where should I eat it?
D’Jeane: Dosa, from the south. It’s like a stuffed crepe that’s… not flimsy. It’s with masala, like, potatoes and spices. It costs less than 100 rupees, which is about US$1.00. The prices of things in India is about half of Thailand. Things are a bit… scruffier there, but the value is great.
(Photo: $1 dosa! Thanks for the photo D.)
Me: What is your number one piece of advice for me to survive India?
D’Jeane: You should be scared of india. That’s healthy. I don’t necessarily espouse the idea that a trip to India automatically equals spiritual enlightenment, and letting go of your worldly concerns. You are guaranteed to let go of things… but maybe just your bowels.
Me: Well… thank you for answering my questions. I’m not sure if I feel more confident about going to India… actually I think I’m more nervous. But at least I know where to go for a good crepe. Thank you D.
D’Jeane: No problem. Carry toilet paper.
(Below: D’Jeane in Kanniyakumari, 2015. Thanks for the pic Jenny.)
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